Forgiveness or Acceptance

I have been thinking about my fears since the last post. I'm may have a fear of being alone but the further I analyze my feels the more it seems rooted in something else. I am afraid of what I'm losing. The best friend I've ever had. She was way more than a lover. Our story is long and complicated, fucked up, really. There is so much about her I would miss. She seems so perfect to me. I not the average everyday kind of guy. I'm an atheist, I ride motorcycles and I follow obscure motorcycle racing that most Americans have never heard of. I like to say fuck a lot and drink micro brews. I know everything and it's hard to find someone that doesn't annoy the fuck out of me. She accepted all of these thing. She even enjoyed some of these things as much as I do, and the rest she'd play along like a good sport. I am afraid she would be missed for ever. I am afraid she can never be replaced. I've been thinking a lot. I think I just need to accept her. I don't want to morn. I don't want to move on. I want to stay here. I want to be here when she returns. I know she doesn't want to hurt me. I don't know what her problem is but she had just as rough a go at life as I have. If this is the way she feels she needs to be, so be it. Acceptance, it feels even better than forgiveness. Now the only thing she can do is reject me.

Anger is Fear

I've embarked on an unintended journey. I've found myself in a strange place, all alone, with a new job. I literally knew no one in this town when I came here, hundreds of miles from friends and family. I wasn't supposed to be alone but life has a way of being a fucking bitch. I hate that angry feeling. I've decided to let it all go. I'm going to use my isolation to my advantage, to explore myself and rid myself of all of all my anger, forever.

I believe that anger is a manifestation of one's fears. Discovering and eliminating my fears is in it's self a fear. The first fear I must address is being alone. By alone I mean with out a significant other. I'm perfectly alright doing things by myself. I can go to a restaurant or bar by myself and feel completely comfortable. I know many people that would find this impossible to do. But to be without an intimate partner to share my life with scares the hell out of me. I thought that I had a relationship that was infallible. We had been through many trials and tribulation. I thought that we had come to the point that we mutually committed for life. I thought I had the safety and security of a true friend that would be there forever. I was mislead. And now this is the first fear that I must address. I need to learn to love living my life for myself. I must avoid the temptation to jump head first into a relationship with the next gal to come along. As I write this I feel fear of finding someone ever again that I feel so compelled to commit to. It took so long to find that perfect person. I fear my own judgement. How could I be so wrong? How can I ever trust any feeling that I might have to be with someone forever?

I was very angry over the infidelity that destroyed my relationship. It was consuming me. I'm a veteran with PTSD and the discovery of the infidelity pushed me into what I call being "outside the wire". This is military terminology for being out side the security of a base, to be in enemy territory. What happens to me in this situation is what I think can be best described as a flight or fight response. My body pumps out adrenaline, my heart races, I can not sleep. All I wanted was revenge, to kill, to destroy, not just the one's that induced this pain but anything that was the least bit out of line with what I feel is just. It is a nightmare. The only thing that gives me the slightest relief is watch TV. I'm not sure what that's all about. I'm not much of a TV watcher. I think it says something about TV that makes me think that watching it should be keep to a minimum. Anyway, I found myself outside the wire for almost 48 hours. I struggled, I watch a lot of TV. I really thought I was going to die if my body kept pumping me full of adrenaline. Somewhere in the midst my nightmare I found forgiveness. Forgiveness saved me. I some how, somewhere found the strength to let go of my anger, my fear. Forgiveness will become a central attribute of my character from now on.

Forgiveness is very difficult to achieve. It requires releasing those thoughts of anger and revenge. But once forgiveness is achieved there is more responsibility that now comes into play. You owe it to yourself and those that have harmed you to make sure that it doesn't happen again. It does no one any good to get into of a cycle wrong doing and forgiveness. It's not good for the one that is hurt or the one doing the hurting. The one being hurt doesn't deserve to be continually be wronged. The one doing the hurting needs to heal what ever issues that are causing them to do wrong. This the challenge I now face.

I don't know if my relationship can be restored. I don't know if I should be considering it. I don't know if she is willing to find the healing she needs. What I do know is forgiveness healed my pain. I will continue to use forgiveness as a tool for eliminating fear and anger in my life.